Spoiler Alert
by Elincia Mahariel
Summary: Elissa Cousland seems to know everything. After all, she's on her sixth playthrough. But this time, nothing is going right. AU. Oneshot. Rated M for colourful language. Warning: destroys the fourth wall.


**Author's note: This is just a ridiculous giblet that popped into my head without any warning. It demanded to be written and wouldn't shut up until I did.**

**Disclaimer: As always, Dragon Age does not belong to me. Nor does any of the stuff I made references to.**

* * *

"We have to do WHAT?" Daveth yelled.

Elissa nonchalantly picked at a perfectly manicured fingernail and sat on the edge of a crate. "Drink darkspawn blood."

Jory immediately starts sucking his thumb. "But darkspawn are _scary. _I don't want to drink their blood," he whined.

"_You_ don't have to drink it."

"Really?"

"Duncan's going to stab you instead."

Jory burst into tears and hugged his sword to his chest. According to Daveth, Jory called it "Binky's Comfort."

"But what about me? Do I still have to drink it?" Daveth asked.

"Yes," she answered with a dismissive wave. "But you're going to die."

"WHAT?!"

"Okay, that's enough!" Alistair yelled. Jory whimpered. Elissa just yawned. "You need to shut up and follow the script! The plot will go nowhere until you do!"

"Fine." Elissa stood up and stretched. "Say something, Jory."

"I'm scared."

"I have more balls than you, and I'm a woman." She turned to Alistair with and bowed. "Happy now, Your Highness?"

"That revelation doesn't come until later!" he snapped.

"What revelation?" Daveth asked.

Duncan suddenly materialized out of thin air to deliver an epic speech.

"At last we come to the Joining." He strode towards them in shining armor. "The Grey Wardens were founded during the first Blight, when humanity stood on the verge…" he paused for dramatic effect. Even Elissa paid attention. "…of annihilation. And so it was that the first Grey Wardens drank of darkspawn blood."

Daveth interrupted him. "Yeah. About that…can I skip that part?"

Elissa brushed some imaginary piece of dirt off her armour. "Don't be a coward! Just drink the damned blood."

"But you said I was going to die!"

Duncan fixed his most disappointed look on Elissa. "What rumours have you been spreading, young lady?" he asked.

She crumbled under his stern gaze. "I'm sorry, ser! I just got so _bored_ with the script!"

He sighed and poured a vial of blood into a cup sitting on a stone table. "I know it's your sixth play through, but you really need to just do what you're supposed to." He poured a few other vile liquids into the cup and motioned to Alistair. "Say the words, please."

"The words please."

Duncan face palmed. "The other words!"

"Oh right!" He cleared his throat. "Join us, brothers and sisters. Join us in the shadows where we stand vigilant. Join us as we carry the duty that cannot be forsworn. And should you perish, know that your sacrifice will not be forgotten. And that one day we shall join you."

Duncan nodded and held out the cup. "Step forward, Daveth."

Shakily, he stepped forward and took the cup. "This sucks all kinds of balls." In one gulp, he drained the cup.

Elissa giggled and snorted a little bit. "He's going to start twitching on the ground and bleeding everywhere. I wish I had some popcorn." Jory wailed loudly and curled up in a ball in a corner.

To everyone's surprise, Daveth burped loudly. "Tastes like Kool-Aid. Are you sure you gave me the darkspawn blood?"

Elissa's jaw dropped. "What the fuuuuuuuu—"

Duncan sniffed the cup. "Yes. That is blood."

"—dge?" She poked Daveth in the face. "I think I just found a glitch."

"He's okay!" Jory squealed. He jumped to his feet and did a happy dance. "My turn! My turn! I'm going to be a Grey Warden!" he cheered.

Duncan refilled the cup and handed it to him. Jory took it in tiny sips. He finished and burped. "Not bad."

Alistair nudged Elissa towards the cup, which Duncan had refilled. "Your turn."

She edged back. "But what if I'm the one that dies this time?"

Daveth stuck his tongue out at her. "Karma's a bitch, ain't it?" He and Jory fist-pumped.

"Um…I need to pee! Be back soon!" she yelled as she ran away. Maybe Antiva was nice this time of year.

* * *

_Meanwhile, on the battlefield..._

Cailan strode onto the battlefield in shining gold armour. He surveyed the army spread out before him and nodded. Their plan would work.

The darkspawn strolled out of the distant trees and epic battle music started to play. One darkspawn made a motion with his hand, and they charged.

"Archers!" Cailan yelled. The order echoed up and down the lines as hundreds of archers lit their arrows and fired. They soared through the sky and struck the darkspawn, lighting most of the front line on fire. Those behind them tripped over them and they started yelling nasty curses at each other. A few brawls broke out before a burly darkspawn came over and hit them over the head. Those who weren't dead got up and started running again.

"Hounds!" he ordered.

"Unleash the furballs!" roared the head trainer.

The trainers fired their catapults, each one full of dog treats. The treats flew into the darkspawn, and the dogs ran after them. They bit and clawed every darkspawn that got between them and their food. Still, the darkspawn charged.

Cailan drew his sword. "For Ferelden!"

With a roar, the army left their perfectly defensible position and charged into the open, where the darkspawn would kill them all in a two minute cut scene unless Loghain did his part, which they all knew he wouldn't.

With a sigh, Cailan ran after his army. They were screwed.

* * *

_Meanwhile, in the Tower of Ishal…_

Alistair jumped off the dead ogre's chest with a grin. "Well, that was incredibly easy."

"Who gets to light the torch?" Daveth asked.

"Me! Me!" Jory jumped up and down and waved his hand in the air.

"No! I want to do it!" Daveth whined. He smacked Jory, and soon they were wrestling on the bloody floor. Alistair ignored them and lit the beacon himself. He looked out the window and watched the battle. He sighed as he stared at the spot where Loghain was supposed to charge. Nothing happened. They were screwed.

* * *

_Meanwhile, where Loghain and his army are hiding…_

Loghain looked up at the lit beacon. "Sound the retreat," he ordered Ser Cauthrien.

"What the fuck? I ain't doing that!" she snorted.

He whirled on her and grabbed her arm. "Do as I command!"

She jerked out of his grip. "Hell, no!"

"What?" he asked. That wasn't in the script!

"Oh, I'm sorry! Did I break your concentration?" She bitch-slapped him and he fell to his knees. "Now tell me something. You used to be a badass! Why the hell are you acting like a little bitch?"

"I'm not a bitch!" he whimpered.

"You look like a bitch to me!" She turned to his soldiers. "Does he look like a bitch to you?"

"Hell yeah!" they screamed.

"Well, I guess that makes you a bitch!"

"W-what?"

Ser Cauthrien slapped him again. "SAY. WHAT. AGAIN!" she yelled. "I dare you! I double dare you!"

"Wha—"

She drew her sword and chopped his head off. "We can hide the body later. Let's go win this war!"

With an epic war cry, they drew their weapons and ran towards the darkspawn's flank.

Cailan saw them charge and was really, really confused. Duncan was only a bit surprised.

Suddenly, an old, decrepit dragon swooped over the battlefield.

Duncan looked up at it and gasped. "The Archdemon. The Old God."

It coughed, and fireball shot out of its mouth and slammed into a distant section of the forest. It gagged a little bit, grasped at its chest, and fell out of the sky. "Gakk! Heart failure!" it screamed as it died.

All of the darkspawn stopped to stare at their dead leader. As one, they screamed and ran for the nearest entrance to the deep roads. The battlefield emptied in seconds.

The soldiers were completely silent for a long time.

"What just happened?" Cailan asked of no one in particular.

Ser Cauthrien shrugged. Even Duncan had no clue. Alistair, Jory, and Daveth joined them. They were equally dumbstruck.

Alistair's stomach growled. "I'm hungry. Who wants shawarma?"


End file.
